So, of course the best time to update your blog is while you are awaiting the touch down of an impending hurricane and taking a hot bath… Yeah, well, it seems perfectly logical to me… I simply hard rains and high winds right now and I’m dirty and you guys want to know what I’m carrying in my belly… and if you don’t, you can stop reading now. I won’t get mad, I promise.
Anywho, C and I went in last Wednesday for our big anatomy/anomaly scan. I drank far less water than I did the first time because I didn’t want to pee on the table as the sonographer pressed down on my tummy. We told the tech as soon as we got in her office that we didn’t want to know what the baby was. She responded by saying they only told if we asked. We explained to her that we were having a gender reveal party this weekend and she totally knew what to do. She began the scan and pointed out all of the major organs and such in this little one. It was so amazing to see everything and to know that everything is progressing and functioning normally. We even saw the little lens in the eyes. She did have me to empty my bladder at one point in efforts to get the baby to turn around and voila! It worked like a charm. After almost an hour of scanning and measuring, we were handed a string of sono pics of the little ones profile shoot and the tech proceeded to leave the room. I was a bit nervous thinking she didn’t see the gender but to my surprise so smiled and reassured us that see indeed knew the gender of our baby. She left out and the doctor came in to re assess and she confirmed the sonographer’s findings. We left the genetics center with yet another sealed envelope with the identity of our baby sealed within. We also left knowing that our baby measures on schedule as far as head and waist growth but the arms and legs are measuring almost 2 weeks ahead. C is ecstatic with the thought of a future basketball player!
And then, we had to wait until Saturday. We weren’t quite sure how the party would turn out but it was a blast! People arrived dressed in pink or blue depending on what they wanted the baby to be. They signed in by TeamPink & TeamBlue. We ate dinner, took an old wives tale quiz and before we knew it, it was time to cut the cake. C and I stood over the cake while all of our family and friends crowded around and cheered “boy” or “girl”. I was nervous, I’m not sure about C but we cut together and what do you know… a pink strawberry cake complete with real strawberry filling! We are having a little GIRL!!!!!! For the first time during this pregnancy, I cried! I’m so excited! I can’t be happier knowing that we have a little princess on the way! Now, I will have two C’s in my life and I couldn’t be more grateful! God has truly blessed us!
According to FertilityFriend.com my cycle was supposed to start yesterday. It didn’t show. Although I should be happy, the anxiety is still ever present that she may show. C has been asking me how I felt all week and all week it’s been the same, pretty good. I haven’t had my normal PMS cramping, but I have experienced a dull feeling intermittently on my right side. Of course, in my mind, this is little baby B trying to implant in my ever so fertile and luscious uterus.
I’m tired. I didn’t sleep to well the night before last with the impending anxiety of peeing on a stick. I woke up yesterday morning at 3 am and did the do. It was negative. I climbed back in bed and snuggled up under C’s arm and whispered, “Trust God,” until I fell asleep. I had a dream that I miscarried twins. Not great at all. I mulled through the day yesterday with the thought of getting back in bed as my motivation. Not out of depression but rather I was beat. Although, here lately, on some days I try to go to bed early as if this will stop AF from appearing. Call me a fool.
Still, the dull cramping on my right side comes and goes. Nothing much to write home about on my left region but I did get a bit of streaking when I wiped earlier. C asked what color it was. She asked how I felt this month in relation to the previous two times before AF arrived. I could only answer her honestly. “I don’t even know what’s real anymore.” Some days I feel like a mad woman when I feel even the slightest of twinges in my uterus. There was a bit more blood when I went to the bathroom and I’m still praying and holding onto faith that it’s simply implantation bleeding. I want to cry.
Why are we never told of the stress and worry that comes along with the journey of TTC. Most times, we hear some happy story about how so and so simply popped up pregnant. Maybe it’s because I’m obsessive and worry on the norm, although, I must say that I did do extremely well this month after I stopped taking my temperature.
I simply want a baby of our own. If this is AF sneaking her bags into the front door for her monthly visit, I’ll be making a call to C’s OB/GYN for a second opinion. My doctor wouldn’t run any fertility test because she didn’t see a need since my cycle is so regular but I need for someone to tell me that I’m not broken. I know it will happen in God’s time and I by far am NOT questioning His methods, timing or guidance in this situation… I simply need to know that I’m not broken.
Yep. I really couldn’t think of anything else to name this blog and this is my current train of thought at the moment. I’m a writer. I love to write. It’s cathartic but I’m also a Scorpio with a moon in Sagittarius. I retreat. Often.
So yeah, we are in the final stretch of the 2WW and as I said before, I stopped taking my temps after ovulation was confirmed. It has surprisingly helped out a lot! By not tempting or checking my cervical mucus I have been in the frame of mind that we didn’t even inseminate at all this month and that AF is swiftly approaching. Even though I’ve been praying that she doesn’t appear, I keep telling myself that her arrival is imminent so that I won’t be totally disappointed if in fact she does show up or we test and get a BFN.
Who knew that this whole process was so emotionally taxing. Who thinks about if they are fertile or have fertility issues until there are actually in the midst of trying and waiting and waiting and trying. Yes, it only takes 1 time to do the do and get pregnant but who’s to say that that 1 time won’t happen until time number 3 or time number 15. It’s all a matter of timing and putting your faith in God. After it’s all said and done, God determines when that little angel will be released from cloud duty and placed in your belly to get all comfy and cozy.
No tempting equated to not looking at my chart. Not looking at my chart equated to not reading or posting in any sort of baby or TTC forum. Not reading or posting in any baby or TTC forums equated to me not reading any TTC blogs and not reading any TTC blogs lead to me not posting anything on this here blog. But, I’m here now. Still waiting. CD10 and counting. AF is due to arrive on Thursday. Test day is Friday according to FertilityFriend.com.
C is being a great support system. It feels wonderful that I can confide all of my fears in her, but then again that’s her job as my soon to be spouse right. LOL. I remember the day after our first insemination. I swear I had each and every symptom that was listed on those sites. The second go round not so much and now, I just ignore whatever I’m feeling and chalk it up to PMS.
But until we get a definite answer, I’m still here. C’s still good and the wedding planning continues. I’ll do my best about keeping this here blog updated.
So, you all know that we are trying to cook up a little kidney bean in the midst of my womb. One would think sperm + egg = baby but it goes a little deeper. True, this equation is what it all boils down to in the end but there are so many other variables. I’ve been watching a lot of episodes of NUMB3RS lately, so excuse the mathematical references. But yeah, timing. It plays a major role. Who would have known that the window of opportunity for max fertility is only a couple of days and the reality of it all is, regardless of how perfectly you time it, the final word sits with God. I had to learn this after beating myself up relentlessly last month. Not physically, but mentally. When I started my cycle last month after our first insemination I just KNEW I was pregnant at some point and that I had had a miscarriage. For some reason, this train of thought made me feel better about coming on my cycle and it also justified all of the “early pregnancy” symptoms that I KNEW I experienced. But, honestly, early pregnancy symptoms and PMS feel the same way.
Last month I played super sleuth and googled symptoms for each and every day post ovulation. Which I’m sure exacerbated what I felt. This month, I promised myself and my fiance’ that I would not read any of those symptoms and thus far I’m feeling pretty good. First and foremost, after talking with my dear fiance’ about how I felt, she helped me to understand that it’s out of our hands once we inseminate. We’ve done all that we can possibly do and we must simply wait on God. She was right. I was trying to take control over something that wasn’t in my power by any means. This chat relaxed me even more for our second go round.
The insemination process this cycle was much more relaxing and filled with so much more passion. We were able to inseminate twice although the second time was two days after ovulation being as though I ovulated two days earlier than expected. We were able to inseminate on the actual O day this month though. Afterwards, I prayed. Every day. Not that I don’t normally pray but this time, I prayed and asked God to give me the wisdom and strength to leave everything about our baby in His hands.
I’ve felt things but not as much as last month. I’m also more level headed in knowing that it could either be early pregnancy symptoms or PMS and knowing this, I continue to take it all day by day. We have 6 more days of waiting for AF or either to test, if we do decide to do so. We did decide on simply waiting to see if my cycle starts. Either way, this cycle has been far less stressful but we are still hopeful that God will send us our little angel sometime soon. If He doesn’t, we know that our angel is safe with Him until that time.
My mantra for our TTC journey is, “In God’s time, not ours.”
Letter to My Unborn
My heart aches
to feel you grow
root beneath rib cage like
tubers in soil
I miss you
like familiar stranger
ever present in dreams
You are dear to me
Keep my heart beating
at the thought of feeling yours
long to kiss cheeks that pucker with newness
You smell of innocence
Fingers not knowing the roughness of life
Yours is what drives me
I accept the position as your nurturer
Promise to transport you
safely thru canals of love
birth you into warmth of family
discipline you in wrong doing
but most importantly
mold you to be the best you
you can possibly be
Until we meet
-© Nicole “luminoUS” Swett, 2012
Welcome to Hearts of a Feather…
The place where a writer needs to write about conception, hence the conception of this here blog. *smile*
I’ve created numerous blogs, and have yet to stick with any of them. The reason, I simply lose interest, get side tracked, forget all about it or a combination of any and all three of these things. That’s not to say that I may go without updating this one either, but the true reason behind the conception of this blog is my road to conception.
So, now that that’s out of the way, how about a formal, or rather not so formal since we are meeting thru a computer screen with these letters as our only form of physical interaction, introduction. My name is Nicole. My fiance’, who shall remain nameless to protect her rights unless she otherwise wants to be named, and I have started our trek into the wonderful world of TTC, that’s Trying To Conceive for all of you guys who feel bombarded with the use of acronyms. We are lesbians in our 30’s looking to soon marry and eventually, sooner rather than later, have a few pairs of little feet pattering thru our fully detached single family home. I mean, we live in a single family home so it’s only natural to build a family… Or at least we think it is.
Here we are with a few months of me diligently charting under our belts and the impending donor task at hand. I can’t promise that I will let you all up in our business, but I will check in every now and again to share what I’m feeling. As with any situation in life, I need a form of release, not saying that we don’t have an open line of communication but as a writer I need to purge at times and what better venue than this one. Also, the feeling of isolation as a lesbian couple trying to conceive can be a bit overwhelming in a society so hetero-focused. I intend for this space to not only be a place of reprieve for myself but as a source of information for another couple seeking support, advice, a listening ear or simply a place to read about what another couple has experienced. Trust me, we have had our fair share of folks hoarding information about their conception process, and by right that is their choice as to whether or not they want my fiance’ and I in there cervixes poking around for clues as to how to manifest a fertilized egg of our own. I just want to be of assistance while aiding myself in not tipping on to the brink of insanity or a nervous breakdown.
And for every person withholding information, there are 2 or 3 more willing to be of assistance. We are fortunate to have a great lesbian couple in our space who have been successful in their TTC journey. They are our friends and are eager to listen, support and coach us on. I simply want to pay their kindness forward. Don’t ever get discouraged or give up. I often times whispered this to myself but I know that all things will unfold according to God’s master plan and not one second before.