Weird I know, but I’m speaking more or less about when the positive test isn’t mine. Yes, I’m happy for every woman who has been TTC and finally sees two pink lines or a blue plus sign but the truth of the matter is, it makes me sad at the same time that it’s not me. Of course, I tested Saturday and it was a BFN… again. That was our sixth cycle trying and our second with the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. How can you not think something is wrong with you when it seems EVERYONE around you is getting pregnant. True, we never know how long someone was actually trying and I know that everyone’s journey is indeed their own but the questions still arise. “God, is there something wrong with me?”
From my blood work done back in May, we know that I indeed ovulated that cycle. My progesterone levels looked great although my RE prescribed me a low dosage of progesterone suppositories to assist in lengthening my luteal phase, so, I continually ask why it hasn’t happened for us yet. As much as I try to remain hope filled about it all, I have days where I feel defeated. I’ve developed horrible tension headaches but I was finally able to relax a bit yesterday and I actually slept better than I have in a long time last night. Ironically, I’ve started crocheting a baby blanket even though my test was negative. Crocheting calms me.
Tuesday I’m going in for a HSG test to see if my tubes are blocked or if there are any abnormalities within my uterus. I pray that this test will quell all of my anxieties about there being something wrong with me or the thoughts that I simply can’t get pregnant. My insurance won’t cover any fertility treatments since I’m not a married heterosexual woman but it seems they will cover diagnostic testing so the test is covered at 100%. Next Tuesday can’t get here fast enough. Next Tuesday is also CD9 and I typically O between CD12 and CD15 so we will be doing another round of insems next week as well.
I truly believe that God is taking me through this journey to gain wisdom and to learn an important lesson. I feel my faith is being tested and that faith is all that I have to hold on to outside of C. I finally opened up and told a close circle of friends what we have been going through for the last couple of months and they have agreed to pray for us. I believe prayer works. I am also constantly warding off all negative thoughts that the devil has been sending my way about being infertile. Although I have my down moments, I refuse to give the devil the upper hand or any power over this situation. I have to remain positive. I have to remain hope filled, I have to remain faith filled. I have to remain on the path that God has laid out before me. I simply have to.