So, yesterday seemed like one big awful horrible cruel joke. I had to ask God, “What gives? No, seriously.” I woke up feeling “off.” I still don’t know what it was but I was off. Slightly crampy, gassy and tired… Normal symptoms for when I’m waiting for AF or to test… I paid that no mind and kept pressing. I was ok, not great but not overly sad either… 

Then C called me crying. She received a text from a friend announcing that they were having a boy. We started TTC before they did but while we went the at home insemination route, they had to opt for IVF due to their circumstances. We didn’t hear from them at all when they were in their fragile state but now that all is well with the pregnancy, she’s texting C more often. We are truly happy for them but it hurts like hell when they reach out these days. Her great news sent C into a downward spiral. She was on the phone crying about being tired and not being fair and everything else that I was crying about to her a few days prior… I suppose its a balance we have that allows us to equally break down and be supportive of each other. Although we are due to test on Saturday, I called the fertility office after I got off of the phone with C to find out the process for IUI in case we don’t get our BFP and need to go that route.

We both spent the entire work day looking at sperm donors online and getting information from the doctor’s office. The funny part of it all was when my boss came in and was standing over my shoulder while the website for Fairfax Cryobank was up on my desk top… Headed home from work and picked up supplies for the centerpieces for our wedding reception. Hugged and kissed C and we kinda moped/laid around until it was time to head out to church for revival.

The sermon was encouraging and an inspiration to keep pressing but while we were in church, C received another text message from a family member stating that she was pregnant… That’s when it was like, “Really God? Are you testing our faith? Our strength? Is this a joke? Are we being punked?” I suppose no one knowing we are trying is a double edged sword. I cried on the drive home. C held me once we got inside and told me it would all be ok. She told me that she had also received a text earlier that money from a friend stating that she too was pregnant… 3 in one day… Something has GOT to give…

I cried on my drive in to work today but we hit the ground running. We’ve taken to looking for a new donor and possibly going that route. At this point, I’m no longer praying for a positive pregnancy test, I’m just praying for the sadness to go away.


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