So, first and foremost, I’m kinda bummed that I had to make my blog private. The whole point of this blog was to track my journey for my own sanity and to allow others who are walking a similar road to be able to read and know that they aren’t alone. But then, someone who I didn’t really want all in my business like that found my blog and started following me. I know it’s kinda oxymoronic to say that I started this blog for others going thru this and then make it private but you have to know what caliber of person you may be dealing with. And, you also have to know what demographic you DON’T want to reach. With that being said, my blog is now private and it has me a bit bummed that the world at large can’t read my posts.
Bumping it up… No, I don’t have a baby bump but I am trying to bump up my spirits. I’m constantly praying for strength to get thru this journey and for the discernment to understand what lessons God is trying to teach me. Its hard. Its emotional, but I am also learning that everyone’s journey is their own. Everyone’s trek is unique to them and for this I am grateful.
I had a rough weekend and I’m trying to come out smiling. C went out of town for 4 days for her bachelorboi party. So, I was home with our yorkie being saddened by each and every picture a friend posted on facebook of their child at a graduation ceremony. I was bummed that we have yet to receive our positive. I was bummed when I heard of people becoming pregnant. Not that I wasn’t happy for them, but I was sad that it wasn’t us. I’m learning to deal and to not covet anyone’s pregnancy. I repeat my mantra, “everyone’s journey is their own.” I had to remember that I don’t know ALL that they have gone thru and for the hetero friends that just popped up pregnant, I had to reassure myself that it is in no way the baby’s fault and that God has a higher purpose for everything that He does.
I’m still pressing.
We are going to test on Saturday. C hates testing during the week because she would rather be with me all day if we get a BFN instead of me being at work alone. I love and appreciate her for this. I’m hope filled but also know that the reality of us not being pregnant is still there. In the beginning I would get so excited only to be let down hard. Now, I try not to get too happy or giddy. I don’t want to crash and burn. I cried for 2 days last month. The joy and reality of it all is that if this isn’t our month, we will be trying again in a couple of weeks. And for that I am grateful. I’m also realizing that this whole journey has allowed me to be more open, vulnerable and humble. I’m more in touch with my emotions. I cry a tad bit easier and I’m getting so much better at accepting how I feel in any given moment…
I’m trying to bump up my bummed out state… Revival this week is sure to assist with that.