I snapped on C tonight and I honestly didn’t mean to. I feel like I’ve reverted back to that state of always being tense and on edge that I felt the first time we ever did an insemination and I hate that feeling. I know she’s only looking out for my best interest but I internalize each and every time that we don’t get pregnant as something that I’ve done wrong. Despite the testing and ultrasounds that the RE have done thus far, all finding nothing wrong, I always seem to place the blame on myself.
I know I need to stop this. It makes me feel like such a small person when I snap on her. It some how makes me love her even more than I already do that she can still love me despite my flaws and short comings.
I just want to marry C and raise a family. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know all of what God wants me to learn from this journey but I’m growing tired. 6 months and still no positive. Aunt Flo and negative pregnancy test seem to mean something much different these days. They’ve become common place although not welcomed with open arms. More like rivers of tears and an achy heart. I’m growing weary and I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. I’m finally ready to pass on the torch. If this isn’t our cycle, I think I will let C try. I don’t think I’m strong enough anymore.
Despite it all, we WILL be mothers. I’ve watched God move and work so that so many things on our vision board have come to fruition that I know this will happen eventually. For now, I simply pray for strength.