Weary Woes

I snapped on C tonight and I honestly didn’t mean to. I feel like I’ve reverted back to that state of always being tense and on edge that I felt the first time we ever did an insemination and I hate that feeling. I know she’s only looking out for my best interest but I internalize each and every time that we don’t get pregnant as something that I’ve done wrong. Despite the testing and ultrasounds that the RE have done thus far, all finding nothing wrong, I always seem to place the blame on myself.

I know I need to stop this. It makes me feel like such a small person when I snap on her. It some how makes me love her even more than I already do that she can still love me despite my flaws and short comings.

I just want to marry C and raise a family. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know all of what God wants me to learn from this journey but I’m growing tired. 6 months and still no positive. Aunt Flo and negative pregnancy test seem to mean something much different these days. They’ve become common place although not welcomed with open arms. More like rivers of tears and an achy heart. I’m growing weary and I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. I’m finally ready to pass on the torch. If this isn’t our cycle, I think I will let C try. I don’t think I’m strong enough anymore.

Despite it all, we WILL be mothers. I’ve watched God move and work so that so many things on our vision board have come to fruition that I know this will happen eventually. For now, I simply pray for strength.

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6 thoughts on “Weary Woes

  1. Roxxroxx says:

    Be strong. We were going 9 months before it happened for us. It is a horrible, horrible strain and your friends don’t get it and even a bit, C doesn’t get it. But it is worth keeping going and just trying to keep that faith intact. Don’t give up 🙂

    • iRadiate says:

      Thanks for the encouraging words! I’m praying that it happens sooner rather than later. Who would’ve thought getting pregnant was so emotionally draining.

      • Roxxroxx says:

        I know – the thing is, noone gets it except those of us who have been through it. But we do get it. It is a hell of a strain and a drain and totally takes over your life.
        GOOD LUCK 🙂

  2. Hey there, just started this month, my very first… hopefully not of many, but who knows. I’m in it for the long haul. Will be following you and hoping for you, so keep the updates coming!

    • iRadiate says:

      Thanks for following along. I’m praying that your journey isn’t long at all. I’ll even pray that you are a one and done girl 😉 I’ll be sure to check out your blog as well.

  3. Crystal says:

    Im offering up whatever good vibes I have for you guys to get a BFP… and I’m so sorry that the process has taken a toll on you. I was praying you would be able to avoid the “infertile” feelings – they suck 😦

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