Monthly Archives: June 2012

Positive Pregnancy Test Makes Me Sad

Weird I know, but I’m speaking more or less about when the positive test isn’t mine. Yes, I’m happy for every woman who has been TTC and finally sees two pink lines or a blue plus sign but the truth of the matter is, it makes me sad at the same time that it’s not me. Of course, I tested Saturday and it was a BFN… again. That was our sixth cycle trying and our second with the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. How can you not think something is wrong with you when it seems EVERYONE around you is getting pregnant. True, we never know how long someone was actually trying and I know that everyone’s journey is indeed their own but the questions still arise. “God, is there something wrong with me?”

From my blood work done back in May, we know that I indeed ovulated that cycle. My progesterone levels looked great although my RE prescribed me a low dosage of progesterone suppositories to assist in lengthening my luteal phase, so, I continually ask why it hasn’t happened for us yet. As much as I try to remain hope filled about it all, I have days where I feel defeated. I’ve developed horrible tension headaches but I was finally able to relax a bit yesterday and I actually slept better than I have in a long time last night. Ironically, I’ve started crocheting a baby blanket even though my test was negative. Crocheting calms me. 

Tuesday I’m going in for a HSG test to see if my tubes are blocked or if there are any abnormalities within my uterus. I pray that this test will quell all of my anxieties about there being something wrong with me or the thoughts that I simply can’t get pregnant. My insurance won’t cover any fertility treatments since I’m not a married heterosexual woman but it seems they will cover diagnostic testing so the test is covered at 100%. Next Tuesday can’t get here fast enough. Next Tuesday is also CD9 and I typically O between CD12 and CD15 so we will be doing another round of insems next week as well.

I truly believe that God is taking me through this journey to gain wisdom and to learn an important lesson. I feel my faith is being tested and that faith is all that I have to hold on to outside of C. I finally opened up and told a close circle of friends what we have been going through for the last couple of months and they have agreed to pray for us. I believe prayer works. I am also constantly warding off all negative thoughts that the devil has been sending my way about being infertile. Although I have my down moments, I refuse to give the devil the upper hand or any power over this situation. I have to remain positive. I have to remain hope filled, I have to remain faith filled. I have to remain on the path that God has laid out before me. I simply have to.

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Yesterday…

So, yesterday seemed like one big awful horrible cruel joke. I had to ask God, “What gives? No, seriously.” I woke up feeling “off.” I still don’t know what it was but I was off. Slightly crampy, gassy and tired… Normal symptoms for when I’m waiting for AF or to test… I paid that no mind and kept pressing. I was ok, not great but not overly sad either… 

Then C called me crying. She received a text from a friend announcing that they were having a boy. We started TTC before they did but while we went the at home insemination route, they had to opt for IVF due to their circumstances. We didn’t hear from them at all when they were in their fragile state but now that all is well with the pregnancy, she’s texting C more often. We are truly happy for them but it hurts like hell when they reach out these days. Her great news sent C into a downward spiral. She was on the phone crying about being tired and not being fair and everything else that I was crying about to her a few days prior… I suppose its a balance we have that allows us to equally break down and be supportive of each other. Although we are due to test on Saturday, I called the fertility office after I got off of the phone with C to find out the process for IUI in case we don’t get our BFP and need to go that route.

We both spent the entire work day looking at sperm donors online and getting information from the doctor’s office. The funny part of it all was when my boss came in and was standing over my shoulder while the website for Fairfax Cryobank was up on my desk top… Headed home from work and picked up supplies for the centerpieces for our wedding reception. Hugged and kissed C and we kinda moped/laid around until it was time to head out to church for revival.

The sermon was encouraging and an inspiration to keep pressing but while we were in church, C received another text message from a family member stating that she was pregnant… That’s when it was like, “Really God? Are you testing our faith? Our strength? Is this a joke? Are we being punked?” I suppose no one knowing we are trying is a double edged sword. I cried on the drive home. C held me once we got inside and told me it would all be ok. She told me that she had also received a text earlier that money from a friend stating that she too was pregnant… 3 in one day… Something has GOT to give…

I cried on my drive in to work today but we hit the ground running. We’ve taken to looking for a new donor and possibly going that route. At this point, I’m no longer praying for a positive pregnancy test, I’m just praying for the sadness to go away.

Current thoughts on trying to conceive…

I’m about ready to say fcuk it all and give up! This is so hard.

Bummed but bumping it up…

So, first and foremost, I’m kinda bummed that I had to make my blog private. The whole point of this blog was to track my journey for my own sanity and to allow others who are walking a similar road to be able to read and know that they aren’t alone. But then, someone who I didn’t really want all in my business like that found my blog and started following me. I know it’s kinda oxymoronic to say that I started this blog for others going thru this and then make it private but you have to know what caliber of person you may be dealing with. And, you also have to know what demographic you DON’T want to reach. With that being said, my blog is now private and it has me a bit bummed that the world at large can’t read my posts. 

Bumping it up… No, I don’t have a baby bump but I am trying to bump up my spirits. I’m constantly praying for strength to get thru this journey and for the discernment to understand what lessons God is trying to teach me. Its hard. Its emotional, but I am also learning that everyone’s journey is their own. Everyone’s trek is unique to them and for this I am grateful. 

I had a rough weekend and I’m trying to come out smiling. C went out of town for 4 days for her bachelorboi party. So, I was home with our yorkie being saddened by each and every picture a friend posted on facebook of their child at a graduation ceremony. I was bummed that we have yet to receive our positive. I was bummed when I heard of people becoming pregnant. Not that I wasn’t happy for them, but I was sad that it wasn’t us. I’m learning to deal and to not covet anyone’s pregnancy. I repeat my mantra, “everyone’s journey is their own.” I had to remember that I don’t know ALL that they have gone thru and for the hetero friends that just popped up pregnant, I had to reassure myself that it is in no way the baby’s fault and that God has a higher purpose for everything that He does.

I’m still pressing.

We are going to test on Saturday. C hates testing during the week because she would rather be with me all day if we get a BFN instead of me being at work alone. I love and appreciate her for this. I’m hope filled but also know that the reality of us not being pregnant is still there. In the beginning I would get so excited only to be let down hard. Now, I try not to get too happy or giddy. I don’t want to crash and burn. I cried for 2 days last month. The joy and reality of it all is that if this isn’t our month, we will be trying again in a couple of weeks. And for that I am grateful. I’m also realizing that this whole journey has allowed me to be more open, vulnerable and humble. I’m more in touch with my emotions. I cry a tad bit easier and I’m getting so much better at accepting how I feel in any given moment…

I’m trying to bump up my bummed out state… Revival this week is sure to assist with that.

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Change in Perspective.

It’s amazing what a few days or weeks can bring. Trying to conceive is indeed an emotional roller coaster. How else can you explain going from feeling like you are infertile and will never conceive to being full of hope and excitement about what may be happening within your uterus… Oh, to be a woman! 🙂 So, I am fresh off of another round of at home inseminations. We were able to get three in this cycle. Last month, which was the first month that I used the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, we got 2 highs, then 2 peaks, and another high. This month, I was expecting to get the same readings. Most importantly, we wanted to be able to do our inseminations before C left for her bachelorboi party in Miami. So, when we got the first high on Thursday and couldn’t inseminate due to a hectic schedule we didn’t panic. I was certain I would get another high on Friday and the first peak on Sunday. C bet that it would go immediately to peak the next day, and by God it did! We had already told our KD to be on standby for Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. We both took off from work on Friday to attend the funeral of a loved one. The day started out beautifully and then the monsoon hit! Our KD called when he was close and I ran out to get more preseed. Of course, it started pouring sheets of rain when I needed to run from the store to the car. I picked C up and we headed out to meet our KD. Due to the weather, he got stuck in traffic. Luckily, C’s mom lives close to where we were supposed to meet so we just went there and lounged around with her sis until he called. I put in some preseed and waited. He actually ended up coming to the house to “use the bathroom.” He put the deposit in the cup and left. C did the do and inserted the baby batter. I inserted the cup, slid my pants back on and laid down for a bit. We hung around the house for a bit longer and then headed home. 

Saturday, we inseminated in the parking garage. LOL. After reading so many TTC blogs, I’m realizing that you inseminate where and when the opportunity presents. No need of letting fresh baby batter get cold. Sunday, we inseminated at our KD’s place. So, that’s that folks. 3 days this cycle. I started my progesterone suppositories last night and I must say that using an overnight pad works MUCH better than a panty liner! And with that, we wait…

I’m hopeful and excited. I’m trying not to get too overjoyed but the possibility of this being our cycle is outweighing all of the negative emotions I had last week. 

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Weary Woes

I snapped on C tonight and I honestly didn’t mean to. I feel like I’ve reverted back to that state of always being tense and on edge that I felt the first time we ever did an insemination and I hate that feeling. I know she’s only looking out for my best interest but I internalize each and every time that we don’t get pregnant as something that I’ve done wrong. Despite the testing and ultrasounds that the RE have done thus far, all finding nothing wrong, I always seem to place the blame on myself.

I know I need to stop this. It makes me feel like such a small person when I snap on her. It some how makes me love her even more than I already do that she can still love me despite my flaws and short comings.

I just want to marry C and raise a family. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know all of what God wants me to learn from this journey but I’m growing tired. 6 months and still no positive. Aunt Flo and negative pregnancy test seem to mean something much different these days. They’ve become common place although not welcomed with open arms. More like rivers of tears and an achy heart. I’m growing weary and I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. I’m finally ready to pass on the torch. If this isn’t our cycle, I think I will let C try. I don’t think I’m strong enough anymore.

Despite it all, we WILL be mothers. I’ve watched God move and work so that so many things on our vision board have come to fruition that I know this will happen eventually. For now, I simply pray for strength.

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