Last night, I laid in bed with C and we just talked over low playing mood music and flickering candle light. She wanted to know how I felt and me being the person that I am, I hardly ever equate that to how I’m feeling emotionally. We had a great talk and I told her that sometimes I feel like I’m “less than a woman” or that I’m “broken” because I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Now, I know how my mother felt when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have her right breast removed. It’s like, you know that you are a woman, but when something that validates your womanhood in the eyes of society is removed you begin to question yourself.
I initially felt broken when they told me that I was a carrier for the Sickle Cell Anemia trait. This made us extra cautious when it came to choosing a donor. Then the fact that my original OB/GYN wouldn’t do any of the test for a complete fertility work up made me question my “womanhood” a bit further. I say all of that to say that I got my test results back. The progesterone test that they did at 7dpo not only confirms ovulation but my numbers “were pretty good” in the words of the nurse. I forgot to ask what the exact number was. My prolactin and thyroid came back normal so in essence, I’m not broken. Maybe it’s all just a matter of timing.
I’m praying hard that we caught the egg this cycle… and if not, we will keep on trying.