Monthly Archives: May 2012

I just had a random thought

Telling a lesbian couple that’s TTC to stop trying and it will happen eventually is like telling a blind man to keep looking and he will eventually see it…

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Sitting with Sadness

I’ve sat with sadness

on more than one occasion

Allowed tears to stream down a once stoic face,

this journey has humbled me

Allowed me to see that fertility is more than a word

That babies are truly a gift from God and no hands can predict a swift arrival

Even in seconds

Minutes minutely slip into the abyss

and yet we continue to kiss hope with lips full

Of sorrow

Of pain

But we remain steadfast

Unmovable

Unwavering

Never allowing the idea of infertility to be degrading

Although we often think of ourselves as broken

In spirit

In song

We cry to the tune of empty wombs

Allow fallopian tubes to whistle sadness thru awaiting cervix

Issue mating calls

Beckoning semen to waver the storm

Dock safely in our harbor

We refuse to harbor ill will with God

For He is the Captain of this sea and He sees our perseverance

But we sit

On the bedside

With sadness

Awaiting the day when our precious cargo has been transported safely

To our harbor

And then we will sit

Belly full of hope

And happiness

Tucking sadness away in our bra

For later days

 

© 2012

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Crafty Momma!

Here is the diaper cake I mentioned in my previous post… I think I did pretty swell for it being my first one and all… What do you guys think?

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Poor ducky got a little smushed during the wrapping…

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Diaper… Cake

So, I have the honor of going to a baby shower on Saturday and I wanted to make a nifty diaper cake as a gift… I’ll post pics once I’m done…Any who, I needed more diapers and rubber bands. I stopped in the dollar store and saw racks of these…

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I figured I would humor myself with a purchase… I’ll wait until the weekend to take it tho…

I’m not broken…

Last night, I laid in bed with C and we just talked over low playing mood music and flickering candle light. She wanted to know how I felt and me being the person that I am, I hardly ever equate that to how I’m feeling emotionally. We had a great talk and I told her that sometimes I feel like I’m “less than a woman” or that I’m “broken” because I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Now, I know how my mother felt when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have her right breast removed. It’s like, you know that you are a woman, but when something that validates your womanhood in the eyes of society is removed you begin to question yourself.

I initially felt broken when they told me that I was a carrier for the Sickle Cell Anemia trait. This made us extra cautious when it came to choosing a donor. Then the fact that my original OB/GYN wouldn’t do any of the test for a complete fertility work up made me question my “womanhood” a bit further. I say all of that to say that I got my test results back. The progesterone test that they did at 7dpo not only confirms ovulation but my numbers “were pretty good” in the words of the nurse. I forgot to ask what the exact number was. My prolactin and thyroid came back normal so in essence, I’m not broken. Maybe it’s all just a matter of timing. 

I’m praying hard that we caught the egg this cycle… and if not, we will keep on trying.

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Re the RE…

Yesterday was the much anticipated RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment. C went to her last September and had a full work up done to make sure she had some time to wait on getting preggers since we decided I would go first and she is a few years older than I am. She was given the green light for waiting it out so we’ve been focusing on getting me knocked up as you all know. The RE even took C on a regular patient. I went to my regular OB/GYN before we started trying. I got an annual pap and began asking questions about home inseminations and such. My regular doctor is sweet and all but I began feeling like I needed to find someone new. I felt bad because she’s been my OB/GYN since I was around 18 but the fact that she wouldn’t send me for any additional fertility test or blood work left me feeling a little empty so to speak. All I had to depend on was the fact that my cycle was regular each month. 

After trying since January with no BFP, I called the RE that C went to and asked for an appointment to get a full work up. I also inquired about switching to her as my OB/GYN but the receptionist said that she didn’t see patients for regular office visits. Bummer. But I had an appointment. It seemed like May 14th would never arrive, but I printed out copies of my chart dating back to October and pictures of my cervix from my March cycle. 

I opted to take the day off for my appointment and since C was already off from work she would accompany me and we would be able to spend the rest of the day together. 

First of all, our RE is so cool! She’s young and she knows the dynamic of our relationship so there will be no questions about C’s relationship to me or the baby. I’m sure I’m the only patient to come in with all of the printed out data that I had but I would like to think that it assisted her in making her decisions. My u/s showed a great uterine lining. She saw both ovaries but couldn’t tell from which I had ovulated this cycle. She said it was normally to not be able to tell some times. She also said that my uterus looked stenotic and asked about my CM. I told her that I didn’t have a problem in that area. We discussed IUI in the future but C and I want to at least give the at home insem’s another run if we aren’t pregnant this go round. So, other than my luteal phase being a bit on the short side of things everything else looked fine. She prescribed progesterone suppositories for the remainder of this cycle and I am supposed to take a pregnancy test on Sunday if I don’t see AF. We are praying hard that she doesn’t show. She also said that she would take me on as a regular patient and that she only does so on a case by case bases. I called my old doctor’s office to have my records released IMMEDIATELY!!!

Oh, I also had blood work done to check my progesterone levels, my thyroid and they tested my blood type just to be sure that my memory of being O+ is correct.

In the meantime, I want to fall asleep on this here keyboard.

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Mother’s Day. Bittersweet.

Today has been bittersweet. I’m currently getting my Rev. Run on and blogging from a hot bath as I unwind and reflect on today. Mother’s Day. A day of gratitude, thankfulness, and an overall expression of appreciation for the women who birthed us. But in years past and most recently, I’ve come to learn that the mother is not birthed once she holds life within her womb. Some of the best mothers are birthed via circumstance. I’m speaking of the women who step in and give of themselves selflessly when it comes to assisting in the upbringing of a child. Adoption, mentors, aunts, cousins and even some friends serve as mothers to us in some way shape or form throughout various seasons in our lives and we should be grateful for them as well.

Today was our 2nd Annual Mother’s Day brunch. C and I decided to start this tradition last year as a means to celebrate all of the wonderful women in our lives and to unite our families. This year was yet another success but the bitterness of TTC creeped in at various moments. I tried my best to not let it overshadow the bigger picture and the fact that C and I will indeed be mothers soon enough. I looked from one cousin who recently suffered a miscarriage at 6 weeks to her sister who has bore 2 kids but they spend most of their time with my grandmother. She looked me in my face and said laughing, “I know y’all not mothers.” That statement issued a sting that I’m sure she had no intentions of sending my way. The only person in my immediate family that knows we are actively trying it my mom and we only speak of it in confidence. A part of me wanted to let my cousin who suffered a miscarriage know that I know what she’s going thru somewhat and that we are on the journey of TTC although I’m sure she wasn’t trying. Things can be sticky that way. But I kept on hosting and enjoying my family as the little voice in the back of my head kept whispering that we are on 6DPO and we have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor.

I enjoyed my mom and grandma today along with my in-love’s. I have a host of family old and new who love me and C dearly and I can’t wait until we are officially moms by society’s standards.

Happy Mother’s Day guys!

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When did I ovulate?!?

So, as you all know from my previous post, I got my first high reading on Saturday, CD12. The monitor read as follows: CD12 – HIGH, CD13 – HIGH, CD14 – PEAK, CD15 – PEAK. I also got a positive OPK on CD13. We inseminated on CD’s 12,13,14 & 15 to make sure we covered all bases in attempts to best catch the egg. During our insemination last night, CD15, we noticed that my os was wide open. I mean the most we have ever seen it! Fertility Friend predicted my ovulation on CD14 but due to the readings on my CBEFM we were both sure that FF had been predicting the wrong O day all along. With that being said, we were both sure that I ovulated on yesterday. This morning I get up, take my temperature, turn on my CBEFM, and enter all of the data onto my FF chart… It says that I ovulated on Sunday, CD13… Now, I suppose there should be no cause for alarm since we inseminated all weekend and 4 consecutive days none the less, but I’m just confused as to which I should believe. My body, my monitor or my FF chart… The mods in the VIP forum say that everything is pointing to Sunday, CD13, but it’s not unlikely that I O’d a day later… All the same, we are now in the TWW. I’m praying hard that we have caught our little eggy. Who’s well versed with reading charts? What do you think?

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Progress… Catching that egg!

Good morning! I hope all is well with you all out there in blog land! As far as things on our end, I’m learning and we are growing. You know, I’ve prayed about strengthening my faith and being drawn closer to God and each and every month that we’ve been TTC and that we’ve gotten a BFN I’ve gotten a bit stronger and have drawn even closer to God. My faith has grown leaps and bounds and I simply know that God will move when He sees fit and not a second before. Then again, let me rephrase that… God IS moving, He’s simply working things out in ways and areas that WE can’t yet see. I’m sure in years to come, we will look back on this entire journey and see just how He worked it out. But for now…

We started using the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor this cycle and C was just as excited and anxious as I was to see if and when the little gauge would go from low to peak. We read so many reviews of women who never received a high or peak reading during their first cycle with the monitor. Some women even jumped directly to peak from low. Either way, we wanted our egg. I felt like a kid at an Easter Egg hunt searching high and low for my prize. So, on CD6 I started pee’ing on the test stick and placing it in the slot and waiting for the results. We got our first high reading on Saturday, CD12, and decided to do a “just because” insemination. We were also told to back up our monitor readings with OPK’s since this was our first round with the monitor just to be sure we didn’t miss our surge. We did another insemination yesterday on CD13 even though the reading was high. I also pee’d on the internet strip OPK after we did our insemination yesterday evening around 5 pm and it was positive. C bet me that I would get a peak on Tuesday, CD15, and I told her that I thought I would get it today, CD14. Welp, I won! We got our egg this morning. Along with a message that I needed to clean the test slot. We are all set to do an insemination tonight and then another one tomorrow evening. We are determined to catch that egg!

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I’m starting to think that my FF chart has been using my temp and pinning the wrong O date but we shall see. My temperature was REALLY low on Saturday. It has gotten progressively higher over the past two days but I’m just getting my peak today. We shall see what day FF pins as my O date. Either way, I’m feeling great about this go round and I’m learning that we are in this for the experience of the journey and not so much of the end result although holding a bundle of joy in our arms would also be wonderful.

Either way, I’m happy either way God decides to bless us. Even in times of sadness, I know that His plan and purpose far out weighs my emotions.

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