I don’t even know what’s real anymore…

According to FertilityFriend.com my cycle was supposed to start yesterday. It didn’t show. Although I should be happy, the anxiety is still ever present that she may show. C has been asking me how I felt all week and all week it’s been the same, pretty good. I haven’t had my normal PMS cramping, but I have experienced a dull feeling intermittently on my right side. Of course, in my mind, this is little baby B trying to implant in my ever so fertile and luscious uterus.

I’m tired. I didn’t sleep to well the night before last with the impending anxiety of peeing on a stick. I woke up yesterday morning at 3 am and did the do. It was negative. I climbed back in bed and snuggled up under C’s arm and whispered, “Trust God,” until I fell asleep. I had a dream that I miscarried twins. Not great at all. I mulled through the day yesterday with the thought of getting back in bed as my motivation. Not out of depression but rather I was beat. Although, here lately, on some days I try to go to bed early as if this will stop AF from appearing. Call me a fool.

Still, the dull cramping on my right side comes and goes. Nothing much to write home about on my left region but I did get a bit of streaking when I wiped earlier. C asked what color it was. She asked how I felt this month in relation to the previous two times before AF arrived. I could only answer her honestly. “I don’t even know what’s real anymore.” Some days I feel like a mad woman when I feel even the slightest of twinges in my uterus. There was a bit more blood when I went to the bathroom and I’m still praying and holding onto faith that it’s simply implantation bleeding. I want to cry.

Why are we never told of the stress and worry that comes along with the journey of TTC. Most times, we hear some happy story about how so and so simply popped up pregnant. Maybe it’s because I’m obsessive and worry on the norm, although, I must say that I did do extremely well this month after I stopped taking my temperature.

I simply want a baby of our own. If this is AF sneaking her bags into the front door for her monthly visit, I’ll be making a call to C’s OB/GYN for a second opinion. My doctor wouldn’t run any fertility test because she didn’t see a need since my cycle is so regular but I need for someone to tell me that I’m not broken. I know it will happen in God’s time and I by far am NOT questioning His methods, timing or guidance in this situation… I simply need to know that I’m not broken.

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5 thoughts on “I don’t even know what’s real anymore…

  1. C says:

    If you don’t mind go ahead and post your chart here or the link so I can take a look 🙂

  2. Roxxroxx says:

    Your doc should allow testing if fertility treatment isn’t working, don’t you think? I would ask again if I were you. Good luck!!

    • iradiate says:

      Thanks! We are actually doing at home inseminations before we seek the assistance of doctors and fertility specialist. Unfortunately, my health insurance will only cover fertility related issues if I’m a married heterosexual woman, which totally sucks!

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