So, you all know that we are trying to cook up a little kidney bean in the midst of my womb. One would think sperm + egg = baby but it goes a little deeper. True, this equation is what it all boils down to in the end but there are so many other variables. I’ve been watching a lot of episodes of NUMB3RS lately, so excuse the mathematical references. But yeah, timing. It plays a major role. Who would have known that the window of opportunity for max fertility is only a couple of days and the reality of it all is, regardless of how perfectly you time it, the final word sits with God. I had to learn this after beating myself up relentlessly last month. Not physically, but mentally. When I started my cycle last month after our first insemination I just KNEW I was pregnant at some point and that I had had a miscarriage. For some reason, this train of thought made me feel better about coming on my cycle and it also justified all of the “early pregnancy” symptoms that I KNEW I experienced. But, honestly, early pregnancy symptoms and PMS feel the same way.
Last month I played super sleuth and googled symptoms for each and every day post ovulation. Which I’m sure exacerbated what I felt. This month, I promised myself and my fiance’ that I would not read any of those symptoms and thus far I’m feeling pretty good. First and foremost, after talking with my dear fiance’ about how I felt, she helped me to understand that it’s out of our hands once we inseminate. We’ve done all that we can possibly do and we must simply wait on God. She was right. I was trying to take control over something that wasn’t in my power by any means. This chat relaxed me even more for our second go round.
The insemination process this cycle was much more relaxing and filled with so much more passion. We were able to inseminate twice although the second time was two days after ovulation being as though I ovulated two days earlier than expected. We were able to inseminate on the actual O day this month though. Afterwards, I prayed. Every day. Not that I don’t normally pray but this time, I prayed and asked God to give me the wisdom and strength to leave everything about our baby in His hands.
I’ve felt things but not as much as last month. I’m also more level headed in knowing that it could either be early pregnancy symptoms or PMS and knowing this, I continue to take it all day by day. We have 6 more days of waiting for AF or either to test, if we do decide to do so. We did decide on simply waiting to see if my cycle starts. Either way, this cycle has been far less stressful but we are still hopeful that God will send us our little angel sometime soon. If He doesn’t, we know that our angel is safe with Him until that time.
My mantra for our TTC journey is, “In God’s time, not ours.”