Monthly Archives: March 2012

I don’t even know what’s real anymore…

According to FertilityFriend.com my cycle was supposed to start yesterday. It didn’t show. Although I should be happy, the anxiety is still ever present that she may show. C has been asking me how I felt all week and all week it’s been the same, pretty good. I haven’t had my normal PMS cramping, but I have experienced a dull feeling intermittently on my right side. Of course, in my mind, this is little baby B trying to implant in my ever so fertile and luscious uterus.

I’m tired. I didn’t sleep to well the night before last with the impending anxiety of peeing on a stick. I woke up yesterday morning at 3 am and did the do. It was negative. I climbed back in bed and snuggled up under C’s arm and whispered, “Trust God,” until I fell asleep. I had a dream that I miscarried twins. Not great at all. I mulled through the day yesterday with the thought of getting back in bed as my motivation. Not out of depression but rather I was beat. Although, here lately, on some days I try to go to bed early as if this will stop AF from appearing. Call me a fool.

Still, the dull cramping on my right side comes and goes. Nothing much to write home about on my left region but I did get a bit of streaking when I wiped earlier. C asked what color it was. She asked how I felt this month in relation to the previous two times before AF arrived. I could only answer her honestly. “I don’t even know what’s real anymore.” Some days I feel like a mad woman when I feel even the slightest of twinges in my uterus. There was a bit more blood when I went to the bathroom and I’m still praying and holding onto faith that it’s simply implantation bleeding. I want to cry.

Why are we never told of the stress and worry that comes along with the journey of TTC. Most times, we hear some happy story about how so and so simply popped up pregnant. Maybe it’s because I’m obsessive and worry on the norm, although, I must say that I did do extremely well this month after I stopped taking my temperature.

I simply want a baby of our own. If this is AF sneaking her bags into the front door for her monthly visit, I’ll be making a call to C’s OB/GYN for a second opinion. My doctor wouldn’t run any fertility test because she didn’t see a need since my cycle is so regular but I need for someone to tell me that I’m not broken. I know it will happen in God’s time and I by far am NOT questioning His methods, timing or guidance in this situation… I simply need to know that I’m not broken.

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For a writer, I suck at posting

Yep. I really couldn’t think of anything else to name this blog and this is my current train of thought at the moment. I’m a writer. I love to write. It’s cathartic but I’m also a Scorpio with a moon in Sagittarius. I retreat. Often.

So yeah, we are in the final stretch of the 2WW and as I said before, I stopped taking my temps after ovulation was confirmed. It has surprisingly helped out a lot! By not tempting or checking my cervical mucus I have been in the frame of mind that we didn’t even inseminate at all this month and that AF is swiftly approaching. Even though I’ve been praying that she doesn’t appear, I keep telling myself that her arrival is imminent so that I won’t be totally disappointed if in fact she does show up or we test and get a BFN.

Who knew that this whole process was so emotionally taxing. Who thinks about if they are fertile or have fertility issues until there are actually in the midst of trying and waiting and waiting and trying. Yes, it only takes 1 time to do the do and get pregnant but who’s to say that that 1 time won’t happen until time number 3 or time number 15. It’s all a matter of timing and putting your faith in God. After it’s all said and done, God determines when that little angel will be released from cloud duty and placed in your belly to get all comfy and cozy.

No tempting equated to not looking at my chart. Not looking at my chart equated to not reading or posting in any sort of baby or TTC forum. Not reading or posting in any baby or TTC forums equated to me not reading any TTC blogs and not reading any TTC blogs lead to me not posting anything on this here blog. But, I’m here now. Still waiting. CD10 and counting. AF is due to arrive on Thursday. Test day is Friday according to FertilityFriend.com.

And.

We.

Wait.

C is being a great support system. It feels wonderful that I can confide all of my fears in her, but then again that’s her job as my soon to be spouse right. LOL. I remember the day after our first insemination. I swear I had each and every symptom that was listed on those sites. The second go round not so much and now, I just ignore whatever I’m feeling and chalk it up to PMS.

But until we get a definite answer, I’m still here. C’s still good and the wedding planning continues. I’ll do my best about keeping this here blog updated.

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Count down in the thick of it…

So, this morning was my third consecutive high temp which marks Saturday as O day. I’m currently 3 DPO and I have stuck the basal thermometer in my nightstand drawer. It will stay packed away for the remainder of the 2WW because I can’t handle taking my temp every morning during this time. And so, we wait. I’ve been doing great about not obsessively checking my chart, or scanning the internet for early pregnancy symptoms. I also have been trying my best to ignore every cramp, twinge or tingle that I feel in any area remotely near my uterus or Fallopian tubes. I’ve been trying my best to shift my focus and my love has been great with assisting me.

Here lately, I’ve been pouring my focus over wedding planning and trying to get my weight back under control. I was 225 lbs at my heaviest and I am around 5’3″. I managed to get down to 163 lbs two years ago and my doctor was very pleased. Although she said I don’t have to necessarily get back down to 163 lbs in order to please her, she would be happy if I was down to 170 lbs before pregnancy. So, I’m back to counting my WW points and going back to being as strict as I can possibly be with my veganism. I was very successful about staying within my points yesterday and I’m praying that today will be the same. 

Between wedding blogs and recipe searches, I’ve been staying pretty busy. There are so many awesome TTC blogs out there but a part of me is afraid to read them. I don’t want to read about the worst case scenarios because I will immediately begin to think the worst about our situation. I think the 2WW is the most difficult of it all and I simply try my best not to be moody or snap at my love. She’s been pretty understanding thru it all and even tho I am on an emotional roller coaster I have to constantly remind myself that she’s going thru it all with me and although she may not know how I feel first hand, she is experiencing emotions all her own.

We are learning and growing together and we seem to be getting better and better at the insemination process. For now we remain prayerful!

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Here we go again.

Another round of AHI start this week. I’m excited but also focusing on wedding planning. I guess this is an exciting time all the way around. I’ve made the decision this morning that after we insem this go round and I confirm my O date with 3 consecutive high temps I’m gonna stop temping. Taking my temp every morning during the 2WW can be hell. I constantly obsess over every dip or rise in temperature and over analyze each and every twinge, cramp or whatever. This month, I refuse to do it. So, insems this week, document O date with OPK and 3 high temps and then I’m putting away my thermometer for 2 weeks. I’m praying this helps to calm my nerves and lessen my anxiety.

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another cycle down.

Well, we still aren’t preggers yet. I started my cycle yesterday. Tuesday. I dislike Tuesday’s at this part in live and not necessarily because I started my cycle but more so because my Milk has school Tuesday evenings so she doesn’t get home until late.

I should have known when I woke up yesterday morning that AF would arrive on schedule since my temperature had dropped a bit but I was still hanging on to hope. I swear I went to the bathroom every hour while at work looking for red spots and then they appeared. TMI for some but this is a TTC blog so yeah, you don’t have to read anymore if you don’t want. Or you can keep reading because I’m not going to get too in depth. I’ll just say I started spotting at work and by the time I got home from work and woke up from my nap I decided to chuck this cycle like the last one and move on to planning our next round of inseminations.

We both took it a bit rough this go round but we reminded ourselves to trust God and stay positive. In essence we weren’t set to start trying until April anyway so we are ahead of the game. We also realized that this second go round was much more relaxing than the first. With each round of inseminations we get a little better with our technique and seem to stressless leading up to test day. Last time we used a syringe and an Soft Cup. For our next insemination, we are planning to use the syringe, some pre seed lube, the Soft Cup and we will get him to put the sample in a non spermicidal condom so that we won’t waste any of that good good baby batter. We are still hopeful and full of prayers!

I did write a poem about the two week waiting experience but I’m not sure if I will post it here… If I do, it won’t be now.

I did great this past cycle and I didn’t read ANY early pregnancy symptoms while waiting for test day. I think doing that the first go round added to my stress level. This morning I decided to delete ALL pregnancy apps for my phone with the exception of my FertilityFriend app. Hopefully, this will help me keep a nonchalant attitude about our TTC journey.

Just wanted to do a brief update.

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